Forget All About Climate Change with These 6 Easy Steps!
Want to blast that A.C. like there's no tomorrow? Read on.
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Newsflash – the Earth is changing. And it’s not just becoming warmer, but more erratic. Seas are rising, islands are sinking, ice sheets are dwindling and storms are growing more severe. Global climate change is scary, isn’t it? So scary, that some might wish that it didn’t exist.
If you feel this way, I assure you there is hope. Not by actually fixing climate change (we’re pretty much screwed in that regard), but by denying that it even exists! With these easy steps, you can forget about our struggling planet, and get back to the real issues like taking away women’s healthcare and defunding public schools.
Step 1: Forget facts. Seriously, ‘alternative facts’ are all the rage right now. If a scientist tries to talk to you, plug your ears and scream “LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!” until they go away.
Step 2: Give unscientific and anecdotal evidence as to why our Earth is doing just fine. It helps to have little understanding of the differences between weather and climate. Try heavy hitters like: “If the Earth really is getting warmer, then why is there snow in my backyard right now, huh?” or “The water at my beach house in the Hamptons was freezing. Global climate change is a hoax!”
Step 3: Have some sort of financial interest in an environmentally dangerous industry. Think coal, oil, commercial manufacturing – you get the picture. Climate change is just a foreign plot to keep the U.S. industries down, so if you love America: Drill baby drill!
Step 4: Become very wealthy. Luckily, Steps two and three usually overlap. Wrap that Gucci blindfold around your head and pretend you don’t see all the compelling data! You can afford air conditioning, so what does it matter if the summers are a little warmer?
Step 5: Advocate for some unfounded, sensationalized conspiracy, instead of science. Try vaccine-caused autism, a theory embraced by our very own President, a well known climate change skeptic. Remember, legitimate science holds no power if you make the rules yourself.
Step 6: Become a politician. Take notes from the President Trump, who has stated that climate change “was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive,” and “nobody really knows” what the deal with this whole climate change thing is. So, in the first hundred days of his presidency, he is looking to revoke Obama’s Climate Action Plan and cancel the Paris Climate Agreement, all while pushing the Dakota Access Pipeline forward. Some other politicians to look up to: V.P. Mike Pence, Steve Bannon, Ben Carson, Jeff Sessions and Ted Cruz, and many other Conservatives. Let the public know that they are in good hands by assuring them that everything will be okay.
But even for the most steadfast skeptics, the weight of facts can be too much to bear. The truth is heavy, even if we wish it was not so.
So I must issue a warning: climate change denial might seem like a game, but even this amount of fun can’t last – it is inevitable that truth will prevail. Layer upon layer of evidence supports the theory of global climate change. If you aren’t feeling the consequences of human activity yet, your children and grandchildren will. Already, people die from heat islands (dense urban areas with much higher temperatures than surrounding land) every summer in the U.S. and globally. Children perish from dehydration and malnourished every day in progressively drier environments such as Madagascar. In America, families are being displaced from their homes by monster storms and waning shores. If our president continues to deny facts for his own benefit, the blood of the next victims will be on his hands. Sad!